In the light of my renewed life, as someone put it: Natasje 2.0, I find myself not knowing what I want. Life is a bit like a menu with too many options right now. A couple of days ago I woke up with the Bangles in my head, If she knew what she wants… It really is true what they say about the lyrics becoming true the older you get. And what’s worse is how your subconscious mind knows just what to play to help you demons do their job. Uncanny.
It’s not entirely true that I don’t know what I want. I know what I want. I know it in my heart and my stomach and in my cells. What I don’t know is, what I want it to look like, and that is the hard part. What is also true is that I don’t have the cahoneys to say what I want… to put it in words. Words make things real. Words breathe life into things. And I guess there is a level where once you’ve said it, your lack of commitment to the execution of getting what you want can’t be explained away. No more justification of why you are still on your ass in your pyjamas… and lazy is worse than cowardly.
What is also remarkable is the invariable need to know how. How will it be, when… with whom… where and most importantly, what will it look like. This recent round of “dating” reinforces this whole… I don’t even know what to call it… ideology? You know what you want and you order it, like it was food on a menu. The strange thing of course is that people order people like they order their food, and it’s just not how I imagined love to be. I really am a little lost. And of course you do get sucked in by the paint my number nature of everything… the formula. The formula encourages you to want to know how, where, when and with whom… to have all the answers to life before you live it and eliminate all surprises. How we suck the life right out of life…
The deep wants are not things that have a “look” though… or hows, wheres, whens and with whoms. Let’s say for instance, happiness. It looks different to different people. It isn’t a burger or a pizza you can order with specs and instructions and then it will land on your doorstep just so… and be perfect and you will be in heaven. The big wants are different like that. Big wants are for the greatest part driven by a feeling and the most satisfying thing happens to you when your big want is satiated in a way you did not expect.
This space I am in now is where the cognitive dissonance of these things births itself. It makes my head hurt and my skin literally itch.
On good days, when I can let myself resign to what I don’t know my prayers are just: God… that. That that you know and I don’t… just that. On the tweener days my mind bounces off its own ramblings like a squash ball midst a crazy game. A part of me wants to fast forward to the end and see how it will turn out and the other part doesn’t want to spoil the end.
So more floating I guess… more if she knew what she wants…
I guess in this, there is also a place where I’ll have to admit it’s not in my hands and no level of commitment from my side, no amount of effort will change the outcome or in fact guarantee one. It just is… it is what it is. There is nothing you can do to make this better. Nothing I can do to make this better. It just has to be…
… I am not a coward or lazy. This is life. It’s like a river and you’re in it… I am in it. And you just have to give in to it. Stop fighting it. Stop trying to control it. Just go with it.
It’s a vulnerable thing: living.