“Let go of what you think the answer is….”
I fretted and fussed and worried and generally spent a day made up of only anxiety, because of a perception I had. Then these words came to me and I thought…. Natasje, you don’t know that what you are thinking is true. What you are concocting in your very creative mind is a great story but it is not necessarily true. It’s not even based on anything. Suddenly I relaxed. I exhaled. Like the weight of a day has been lifted.
I ran a beautiful bath with my favourite bubble bath and all my favourite essential oils. I lit candles. I made gluhwein. I relaxed. Then I thought of all the many many many… I can’t say many enough so just repeat it in your head a couple more times. I thought of the many times I worried, made decisions, planned my life, created who I am around what I think the answer is. My exhale turned into a sigh. Trepidation. Mostly what the fuck have I been doing. The answer is, the best I could with what I knew. I now of course realise that what I knew, I didn’t know at all but was a perception on what I thought the answer was.
It’s not very constructive to sit around taking stock of all the times I thought – for no real reason other that, that’s how things work / are etc. – I knew the outcome of a situation or a “play” or the answer to what someone is feeling or thinking or what motivates their actions; And of course if you think you know, you act accordingly and inadvertently manifest that exact outcome. Not because that was going to be the outcome, but because you willed it into being. It gets terribly complicated when you ponder it too much. Let go… again the key phrase. Let go. Let go. Let go.
But sadly, the more life wants me to let go the less I want to let go. Ironically, I am probably stealing my own happiness in each moment of hanging on.
Fear brought me here. You often hear, make decisions from a place of love not fear. Love let’s go. Love says, “Go on, do what your heart tells you. I will be right here if you need me.” Fear doesn’t even have time to say anything it is so busy clenching and tightening its grip. Fear comes from insecurity. Fear comes from the belief that you are not loved and supported. So I look at myself and say, You don’t feel loved? You don’t feel supported? An honest yes flushes through my body.
This morning everyone I was supposed to meet with was not at the office – thanks for letting me know, guys. Appreciated. I wasn’t upset. I enjoyed the think-time in the car. It was like mini-road trip. So much so that I looked forward to driving home. I kept saying to myself, let go of what you think the answer is. All the way there and all the way back. And every time I felt that tightness in my chest I thought, that’s you fear. Tell me your name. What are you afraid of? Still I kept saying to myself, let go of what you think the answer is.
Now close your eyes and look with your heart. What does your heart see? Look. Don’t be afraid.
I still can’t see. I am still afraid.