For the longest time, I’ve been having the sense that it is time to let go of that which no longer serves me. That this is the next leg of my journey toward love and firstly self-love: Letting go, and making space.
So I let go… Of friends. Or rather “friends”. People that aren’t really friends at all but voyeurs on your road, or misery people. You don’t need them, their presence makes you no less lonely and they only drain good from your road.
I let go of a lot of stuff. Man I had a lot of crap taking up space.
I let go of my notions of staying here, I looked into immigration, selling my house… letting go of everything I know…
My most dear dog died and I thought, maybe I also have to let go of the thing I love most.
I let go of a lot of things and people and notions and even after all that, one day I looked around, and felt: “Let go of that which no longer serves you.”
Oh the frustration. What on earth should I, could I possibly still let go of… I’ve given up, moved on and closed doors. What on earth else?
Then I stumbled on the phrase: “… your idea of what love is.” I stopped in myself and thought for a second. Apart from this feeling… what is love? What do I understand about love? I was listening to an audio by Rikka Zimmerman and she asked, “How have you been shown love? Did someone say to you, ‘I’ll give my life to you – I love you.’ …” sacrifice? Do I understand love as sacrifice? “I’ve given up everything for you.” And that is love. In that moment the little puzzle pieces fell right into place and all the messages I have ever received about love bubbled up to the surface…
…suddenly there was a whole lot more to let go of, because none of this actually ever served me.
So here I am cleaning out a closet in my mind. Full of even more crap. Crap I forgot I had. Crap I never even realised I kept… and believed in. Sadly. As I pack out each of these ideas, I’m a little embarrassed that it’s there in the first place. I feel ashamed. It’s weird, I don’t understand why I feel such shame. But I do. And I start understanding why love is always such an in-and-out emotion. Feeling. Visitor. Why I meet love always – believe me when I say always – ALWAYS with such passion and equal measure of rejection. It makes sense.
I attract love in abundance, because I have a deep hunger to be adored and showered with love and affection. The downside of my understanding of love however is that: Love means sacrifice – You die for love – you burn to cinders in love – you give up everything that is you for love… Really? I believe that? I am ashamed to say, I do. I don’t want to, but in that place where I can’t lie to myself I believe it. It’s a strange thing because I come alive with even the thought of burning with love. And in my heart where everything is true, I know it’s an eternal flame – the kind that means warmth and all that goes with that. But in my mind that is scared… and scarred, I think: smoke and ashes.
Another thing I believe is that love leaves. It’s what I’ve known. And because I know it in my heart and mind, I live it and time and again it happens. Love leaves. If I had R5 for every time my mother said to me: “I never want to see you again.” If I had R5 for every time my mother – primary caregiver – has thrown me out, away, rejected me, wished I was never born… I could forget about my financial woes to start with. So then I went through this strange cupboard full of beliefs about love, and I looked for anything that even resembled a belief that love would stick around. I couldn’t find even a trace. Not even with my CSI kit.
The time has come to clear out this closet and let go. Love knocked on the door, came in and it’s having coffee… Let go of all these stupid beliefs, Natasje. There’s no space for them here.